As a guy, I have this insanely asymmetrical privilege over my female friends. Men get to make the marriage proposals; if a woman asks her boyfriend to get hitched, she looks desperate.
The ageism that surrounds marriage for women can be awful. I recall a time when the ticking clock was just a mere symbol of fleeting seconds, a constant reminder that what once was, will never be and the future once anticipated quickly becomes history. Time was music by virtue of the ticking clock; “Tick, Tuck.” Today, it is a different song, relationships are on the clock, it is called "marriage o'clock" and women are arguably the time keepers.
One might think because I am a guy, I couldn't possibly understand what it means to be a woman, that I cannot relate to the scientifically proven fact that the female fertility clock starts ticking at 27 or that I cannot possibly understand the risk women have to go through, giving their heart, time and everything to some guy who might take the best of their youth and eventually leave them for someone younger than their kid sister with the sorry excuse of “I didn’t promise you anything”
Let me shut down those unrooted belief that since I am a guy, I cannot be sensitive to what a woman feels or that I cannot possibly comprehend it. So, to help do this, I will list a few things that women experience that makes their mid-twenties and early thirties a ticking clock.
Homebuilder: She wants to start a family, build a home and do things right. She also wants the comfort of knowing you will be there when she comes home from work. She seeks the perceived stability of marriage. It is a divine instinct, something carved by nature itself.
Biological clock: That's right, folks, I said it. Indeed, society does often use this so-called clock as an excuse for many things, but maybe she thinks that the magical stork will only pass by once in her life and she's afraid of missing the package.
Family pressure: She may have a father that is going gray, a mother that has seen too many friends give out their daughter and is extremely eager to see her once little princess become a queen to some king, lol, pardon my sarcasm, I can’t resist it. It could also be a younger sister that has already experienced that day and does not fail to take any chance she gets to rub her perfect marriage on the face of her aging unmarried sister; whatever the reason, she feels the heat and knows that time is slipping by.
Her Kodak Moment: She has given more wedding day gifts than she would care to, and she feels that it's her time to collect. Conveniently enough, you happen to be in the picture, so put everything together and you've just framed yourself in her Kodak moment.
She loves you: After everything is said and done, she could just want to marry you because she loves you dearly and could not bear to spend another day without you as her husband. Quit watching soap operas, not all women are malicious schemers and you may have just met the woman of your dreams.
There are other reasons why women pressure for marriage, like unplanned pregnancy, the need to have divinely approved sex, since she believe in the beautiful idea of waiting till marriage; whatever the reason is, life is a risk and only those who take the risk to find love, will eventually find it.
Truth is, men may not carry a clock around, but we too love the idea of Marriage, we love to have a friend walk the lonely journey with us, someone to bear witness to our life, a lover, a wife, mother to the beautiful rug-rats and a partner in crime, a muse, a Queen so gracious that her beauty adorns her King, a home maker, a relentless motivator, a life-time fan, a best friend.
Does this surprise you? Let me let you in on a little secret. Men are afraid that they aren't cutting it in life -- not just at work, but at home, in their role as a husband. They may never vocalize this, but inwardly, they are secretly vulnerable. The antidote? Affirmation. To men, affirmation from their wives is everything! If they don't receive this affirmation from their wives, they'll seek it elsewhere. When they receive regular and genuine affirmation from their wives (not flattery, by the way), they become much more secure and confident in all areas of their lives.
We need you guys, to think that all man are with you just because of your body is as cheap as a man thinking that all women say yes because of his money. Though this very much exist, It is just a variety of love, the existence of good and evil and to think that only evil exist is to limit yourself to a harsh illusion.
Cheating and deceit is not a gender problem, it is a human problem and if your brain is not constantly shutting down or running on a low or out-dated processor, then you will know when a guy adores you. He might not go down on one knee, pop the question and put the big rock on your finger when you want him to, but he is telling you all his plans and you are evidently a part of it, he doesn’t envision a future where you are not his co-pilot, he is making bold decisions that only people who are thinking marriage make, he is constantly making efforts to make you a better woman. For a woman who is designed to be subtle, can’t you read in-between the lines?
Today, women now have plan B and they give deadlines to their relationship, “by the end of next year, if he doesn’t meet my folks, it is only fair that I look out for myself”. I consider this "social wisdom" a sorry state and the absolutely wrong way to approach finding the right romantic partner. You see, options gives you choices and sometimes, choices takes away our ability to give our best. When you begin to double-date, you begin to make compares that will destroy your relation. Nobody has it easy and no one is perfect.
Sharon L Alder said something that stopped my clock, “Never let your fear of the unknown and things being too difficult make your choices for you in life. One of the saddest lessons in life is finding out that your fear made the situation worse than what it was and a braver person stole the dream you gave up on.”
To Women: You might be on a clock, but if you are not careful, you will rush into a time bomb.
Lisa Bonos of the Washington Post said and I quote; “You can’t plot the path of your life ahead of time, as if it were a chart waiting for you to fill in the data points – especially when those life events depend on other people. You can decide to move somewhere by a certain age, sure, or save up a certain amount of money to buy a house or a ca, months or years in the future. But you can’t decide ahead of time exactly when you will marry, have a child or make certain amount of money.
There are other people or factors involved: potential partners, fertility fluctuation, employers, the economy at large. I don’t have a new study here to back me up, but in my experience, not as a sociologist or economist, but as a person, trying to control all that can make you crazy.”
To the Guys: Don’t keep a good woman waiting longer than you have to, and don’t waste her time if you are not in for the long Hol. The beauty of life is that there is someone for everyone; If you want to play, they are many girl looking for a play mate. Don’t turn a jewellery box to a shoe box.
But at the same time, don’t be pressured to live another man’s life. How hard it can be to trust in God’s timing. We are a people who want what we want and would prefer it right now. Sometimes it seems as if we are not even on God’s clock. God chooses when to bless us and us includes the people that our lives affect. Those we marry, the kids we hope for, the money we make, all comes from God. A friend of mine once took his finance to his home at the village; It was a mud house, he told her “This is where I am coming from, but this is far from where I am going”. He let her into his vision and she bought it. Men are visionaries and women are the architects. A woman who is meant for you will align her dreams with yours and not the other way round.
Let us stop this madness.
